Lacking focus

As most of my friends know, my job is a source of many headaches in my life. It's not that i even dislike what i do, it's more that my boss is a manic depressive Jekyll and Hyde of a human who can love you one minute and be telling you to jump out a window the next (true story).
So then i think to myself, okay Julia... what is it you really want to do with your life? figure that out and you can leave this place forever. I mean, isn't this the question you're supposed to answer at 17 so you can choose a post secondary school? Isn't this the question some people have figured out from like, birth? and what happens when you don't?

From 14 on all i wanted to do was produce music. I wanted to work in a recording studio or work for a record label and be surrounded by music for the rest of my life, and i certainly was not some prodigy musician so that route was out. After a shaky end to my high school career i actually did get into a music business management program, and hated it. So since then, I've been in this weird turmoil of trying to get my life plan back on track, and in the process i landed here, at a catering and event planning company running the office for a fucking Robert Louise Stevenson character.

I saw an old friend last weekend who i would consider to be successful in so many ways. He has a job where he's part owner and is totally appreciated by his employers... he looks at it like "but it's retail", and i look at it like "YEAH but it's shoe retail and you love sneakers so who cares.". He also runs his own clothing/streetwear line, has an unreal apartment in the heart of the city, and is just generally one of those people i know i can count on to tell me things how they really are. What i found interesting about our conversation is that even he seems to be in the same sort of head space that i am. We're at a point now where, for the most part, we have our shit figured out. But where to go next is still a very big mystery.

I've been at this point now for longer than i'd like to admit. When you base your life around a plan that doesn't work out and costs you quite a bit of money it's hard to start that process over again (especially when you no longer live with your parents). I am one of those people who is considerably good at a lot of things, but not necessarily great at anything. Choosing something at this point to pursue as a "for-sure-i-want-to-do-this-for-the-rest-of-my-life-and-i-can-be-successful-doing-so" life path is, for lack of a better term, really fucking hard. I'm not 17 anymore. I have bills, and rent, and a day job i need to keep if i even want to dream of going back to school part time. It's all more than a bit overwhelming, and as the time passes it just gets worse. The pressure mounts as i feel like there's so much more i could be doing with my life and the longer it takes for me to make a decision, the more stuck i feel.

I am not trying to have a pity party. My actions are my own and i am where i am for a reason, but i can't help but feel like more and more people are ending up in positions similar to my own, and there has to be a reason for that. And to those of you who have already found what they were put here to do, i am happy for you and envious of you at the same time. But for now i spend my days trying to picture myself in a place where i actually fit, and hopefully i'll find it sooner than later. 

love is a dog from hell

I've been getting a lot of the "i don't know how you do it" comments again lately regarding my love life and current relationship.
Not that i feel i owe anyone any sort of explanation for why i do the things that i do, but i certainly don't mind providing insight into something that i care about.

My boyfriend and i have been together a little over a year and a half and i guess by most people's standards our situation is somewhat unconventional. We live almost 500 miles apart, and his job takes him all over the world for work so there are times where we go some pretty lengthy periods without seeing each other.

I guess the the questions i hate the most is "what's the point when you never see the person"? That's such an irrelevant question. Distance is obviously not an easy thing to throw into the complicated mix that a relationship generally is. However seeing a person is only a small fragment of what makes a good relationship. I know people who see each other whenever they want and hate each others guts 90% of the time. The basis of a relationship is not how much you see or don't see the person, it is so many other things.

Is it hard? sometimes, yes. Is it worth it? obviously, otherwise i would be concentrating my efforts elsewhere. Is it a lot of work? I guess so, but aren't most relationships? I think anyone who tells you their relationship requires no work at all is either lying or they're in seriously denial about how well their relationship is going (or you may just be the luckiest person on earth... who knows). The only thing i would consider to be more "work" than that of a "normal" relationship is that i have to work 9 to 5 Monday to Friday and have no license. It can be challenging getting to and from Philadelphia when i only have two days to spare each week. Sitting on a bus for 13 hours is not generally fun. Flights are way over the top expensive. It is a struggle sometimes but i do it because i met someone who treats me the way I've only ever dreamed of being treated, and he happens to live somewhere slightly inconvenient.

I wouldn't change our experiences this far though. When you learn how to overcome obstacles like this you have a different sort of appreciation for a person. Every moment is meaningful. Even the ones you spend apart are used to strengthen a bond that goes beyond physical attraction. I have a level of trust, communication and patience with Ryan that I've never had with anyone before. When you go long periods without seeing someone, those things are key to making everything work. We do A LOT of talking. A lot of catching up. Nothing is really boring, even the day to day because i appreciate hearing about his day when i can't spend it with him and vice versa.

I'm not saying we're perfect, or that we don't have our days. I guess i just see things from a different perspective than i would if i were with someone who lived here. I could never take the time we spend together for granted because i know for now it's generally going to be limited in one way or another. I wouldn't choose to spend every day away from my best friend ever, but when you find someone who makes you feel the way that he makes me feel, distance is just one of those things you need to figure out. And that, in a nutshell, is how i do what i do.  

This morning i witnessed a woman in McDonalds who felt it appropriate to answer a question of simple order clarification with "WHAT ARE YOU RETARDED OR SOMETHING? I'll start from the beginning...".

Like, what barnyard did you grow up on? You're 40 something yelling at a teenager for trying to do her shitty job properly so you can stuff your 300 pound face full of more food you obviously don't need. And her manager said nothing, because no one wants to deal with ANYTHING, and it's NEVER anyone else's problem. I don't really blame her, having been in that position and trying to stand against a customer, I know it's next to impossible. I think most corporations will always favor the customer no matter how unreasonable, it's just the way it is. 

However, doesn't anyone think that someone like that who could potentially be setting an example for god knows how many children at home is a little bit our problem? and isn't it someone's job to make sure that poor girl doesn't come home from work beating herself up on the inside over the outrageous comments made by some asshole at 8 o'clock in the morning? Not everyone has the ability to shake everything off, and not everyone has a support system to make sure these things don't cause more damage than they should. It might seem like a small thing, but it is so utterly disgusting to me that someone thinks that this is an appropriate way to conduct themselves and interact with other people. 

Realistically, the girl is probably fine. But that's not really the point in all of this. This is where my brain goes when i witness something of this nature. Not necessarily focused on the situation, but more on the chain reaction of potential events afterwards, which is essentially where my dislike for the majority of the human race comes from. If you can act like such a total dickhead in the simplest of situations, I can't even imagine what you would be like when something even remotely unfavorable happens in your life. It's unsettling the amount of people i grew up being taught to respect, that are generally the people i respect the least. and i respect them even less for the damage they're doing in bringing up children who respect absolutely nothing.

This is where i come to post my thoughts

if you want a look at what i'm interested in... that stuff lives here.